My Early Life Story

My upbringing was not a pleasant one. I grew up with my mom who had different men in and out of her life. She married when I was 1 to a man that wasn't my dad but I had thought he was my dad. He'd take me for walks, play with me at the parks, even read me bedtime stories. When I was 5, they divorced.

Up until that point, my mom had been a stay at home mom. We occasionally bumped heads but not often and she was a pretty good mom especially since things for her were settled and she was supported in her parenting of me by her husband. After they were divorced, she changed. I understand why and my heart goes out to her, for all of the hurting in different areas she was feeling.

Because my mom was a single mom trying to take care of me the best she could, my grandma and her husband let us live with them for awhile. We next moved into an apartment and they continued to watch me when I wasn't in school. That summer, my grandma's husband molested me multiple times... The following summer is when I said something about it. We went to court and he was sent to prison for 4 years. He was a retired police officer and a former night guard for a small college. You would think he'd be someone you could trust...

About a couple years after that, my mom already had one guy she had dated come and go. Now she'd been dating someone else. We moved to a farm house and got a puppy! I was 7 going on 8 and this was summer I did a lot of growing up and realizing what addiction can do to people. My mom was working 2nd shift, her boyfriend could hardly keep a job, and our puppy was my best friend. This was also the summer I made peanut butter sandwiches everyday for lunch except when my mom was home. The only time my mom's boyfriend really talked with me or spent time with me was when he was drinking. Heck we even went to bars together. One time I went to something of an arcade place mostly meant for high school kids to hang out at. I was telling jokes and they were laughing. I think there ended up being about 10 kids listening to me lol. One even gave me some quarters for the comedy and when I was done, I played some games.

Another time in the weekend we all got in the car and went to a friend of her boyfriend's. They had kids but they were mean to me. I remember beer bottles everywhere and white powder all over the bar counter of which was being snorted.

Yet another time I remember he was going to take me to a different bar and we were going to get some yummy food. I told him I only wanted to go though if he wouldn't get drunk or drink too much. He got so mad at me and left me home. My mom was home but she was passed out.

Yet again another time he made me go to bed at 8. This wasn't normal for him especially being summer. He left me home without telling me he was leaving or anything. I tried calling my mom at work which was a huge task. I'd never been by myself before and didn't know any phone numbers and we didn't have cell phones then either. She told me everything would be ok and to just stay in my bed. He was back by 10 and she called so he answered of course and oh boy was he mad at me. I'm thankful he only yelled at me.

Needless to say, their relationship didn't last. Our farm house was being sold and mom and I moved to an apartment. They still had flings with each other that would eventually end. Some time later she dated another drunk that was 10 years younger than her. He worked 3rd shift and spent the weekends partying. Mom wanted to spend all her time with him so I didn't see her much. That relationship didn't last long.

Now I'm 13 and in 8th grade. She had another boyfriend, but this guy I liked. He was nice to both mom and me. Up to this point my main focus had been on home and not school. When we had moved to the farm, I transferred to a new school. I was in 3rd grade and most everyone was nice to me. As the years went on, it got worse though. I was always picked on because I couldn't see very well. This year marked the worst year for me though. I was sexually assaulted. I was then teased, harassed, and humiliated about it for the rest of the year. This is what triggered deep depression for me. My mom had me go to the police about it but nothing was done. One night she even told me I deserved what happened to me. Other nights she told me I was such a horrible whiney brat. On other nights she told me she was going to kill herself and I'd only have myself to blame for it. 

I wanted to die. There was no escape for me, I didn't want to be on Earth anymore. I wouldn't be a burden to my mom, and I wouldn't have to deal with school. One day I went on the roof of the school. I remember being at the edge and looking down. The next thing I remember is being in my science teacher's arms with her carrying me to her class room. We had a good talk and she made me promise her I'd never try hurting myself again.

The school called my mom. Not exactly sure what they told her but she didn't say one word to me about it though. She just looked at me as she walked by me but that was it.

Nothing was really getting better so I started cutting myself. Not to hurt myself but to make sense or give reason to all the pain I was feeling. I didn't understand mental pain. I just knew I hurt and when I made it physical, it made sense to me only then why I was hurting. I thought the only way you could hurt was physically...

Later on in highschool, I transferred to a different school and was living with my Grandma and Aunt. This was one of the best times of my life! I really truly found God, was saved, and started a much better life! I did have to go back to my mom. She'd been dating a different guy for a few months and I didn't like him but she didn't care. I don't think she had any self respect at all...

When I turned 18, I wanted to move out. Mom told me she'd talk with her boyfriend and see if I could stay while she would help me find an apartment. He said no. If I wanted to move out, it had to be that day.  So my mom packed her car with what she was willing to let me take and dropped me off in the rain at a guy's house. This guy wanted a relationship with me and my mom's boyfriend thought that was the only reason I wanted to move out. It wasn't though. I'd wanted to be on my own since I was 13. Because my mom kept all of my money, I ended up staying with this guy for 3 1/2 years... It was definitely not a good relationship, that's for sure, but thankfully I got out without getting hurt physically...

There are tons more times I remember my mom being in a physical altercation with one of the different men in her life, her being physically abusive to me, but what's most painful is the years upon years of verbal abuse. While things seemed so gloomy for me, I wouldn't change a thing. Like I've said before, I'm thankful for my trials! God used those times to not just mold and shape me to become who I am, but to bring me into a closer and deeper relationship with Him! His ways are perfect! Even when they may seem dark, there is light in it! He does everything for a reason! I'm NOT a victim! I'm an overcomer! I'm the head and NOT the tail! His ways are FOR me and NOT against me! I love you Father God for pulling me out of that pit of despair, depression, anxiety, and self pity! I'm living proof that you don't have to repeat mistakes others have made! I'm living proof that, with God, anything is possible! Satan knew what I was destined for, and he didn't like it! It disgusted him and made him scared but I've taken him by the horns, in accordance to God's Will, and I've put him below me! He still tries to attack me but is unsuccessful and it will remain that way! I stomp my foot and shout, "No, not today Satan! You will NOT steal my peace OR my joy!"

I'm sorry this post is so long but I wanted to share part of my story (my early story) with you to help you understand why/how I can be so grateful for my trials!!!

Thank you again for being on this journey with me! Blessings to you all, Amen!!!